Grown Men and Verbal Exchanges.

I was on my way from Rumuola to Choba when these two grown ass men decided to take a go at it. I’ll ball-park both men’s age at late forties. I mean they went the whole 9 yards cat fight, the face-scratching- hair-pulling- hitting-below-the-belt-fight, metaphorically speaking.

  If you know you can’t handle savagery of a stupendous amount, if you know you have the faintest of heart when it comes to confrontations, I’ll advice you to refrain from reading further, just take the exit at the next full stop (pun intended). I recorded all the verbal exchange that went on, I can’t upload audio to the blog so I had to transcribe it. Get ready; it’s a war zone down there.

Passenger: Na you start am.

Driver: Start wetin?

Passenger: Na him I dey tell you, cause you're a fool, I dey tell you the correct thing

Driver: Which correct thing?

……… silence ……….

Driver: you do teeth like caterpillar

Passenger: hmmnn

Driver: kpor, kpor, kpor, kpor,kpor, you no dey close your mouth

Passenger: How I go close my mouth

Driver: you're a fool

Passenger: i be fool like you?

Driver: You're a fool na, everyone that Is in this car dey quiet, except you.

Passenger: You can’t cheat me na, you can’t cheat me

Driver: I dey cheat you?

Passenger: I no go close my mouth

Driver: You know say the first work wey you work dem sack you because of your mouth, yes or no? yes or no?

Passenger:  *Laughs*

Driver: The first work wey you work as you finish school dem sack you, because you learn bad character from your mother, and if I'm not mistaken that’s what kill your father early.

Passenger: You dey really—

Driver: I am telling you my simple truth, look ehn,I am a man of God

Passenger: You dey really, you dey really talk like small pikin

Driver: You copy nonsense from your mother, na him kill your father.

Passenger: Ya mother---

Driver: You're a fool

Passenger: Ya mother na him dey teach you this bad character.

Driver: You're a fool, you're a fool, mumu, mumu

Driver: You think say you over wise?

Driver: Your body be like woman body, because of wetin? You copy from your mother, you no lean from your father

Passenger: I agree

Driver: That’s why you talk anyhow

Passenger: I agree. I no even know why I join you talk, I dey shame for myself

Driver: Nooooo, you go end am o, wetin you start you go end am, you be fool. I be mumu like you? I dey carry pikin up and down? You carry teeth like shovel.

Passenger: C'mon get away you

Driver: C’mon shut up your mouth

Passenger: My teeth dey like shovel? You fine pass me?

Driver: Oorrrhhh, him say I fine? I dey work taxi work since morning, if I commot now I still fine pass you. I dey sweat since morning dey clean my sweat.

Passenger: Na so

Driver: But if you come down now, I still fine pass you

Passenger: Na so

Driver: See you face like garri wey soak water

*3  seconds silence*

Driver: Nonsense

Driver: When your wife come, him put money for your hand then know say you be mumu

Passenger: If you like, come collect wetin you go collect

Driver: So you get money? How much your wife give you this morning before she go work? Fool like you

Passenger: Ohhhhh

Driver: Fool like you, shut up your mouth there

*5 seconds silence*

Driver: I for say make you slap your sense but you fit? You no fit na, you no get the sense.

Ouch, that was savage.

*4 seconds silence*

Driver: When we reach choba now, that pikin go don sleep, you go kan carry am for shoulder like nama (cow meat), you go dey walk for road like nama. Motor go dey blow horn for you, you go dey confused, that’s why you need deliverance o.

Passenger: Na my pikin, if my pikin sleep I go carry am

Driver: That’s why you need deliverance

Passenger: I go carry my pikin, from January to December we go dey house? If you dey shame to carry your own, I go carry my own waka.

Driver: Na you first born na, na you first born for Port-Harcourt. Just talk say you dey do house boy for your wife na, simple—

Passenger: Na, get away you

Driver: Someone go dey talk, you go dey argue

Passenger: Maybe you dey shame for ya children, if you carry dem commot people go begin to dey laugh you------

Driver: If you see my boys----

Passenger: The way dem dey----

Driver: ----you sef go confirm

Passenger: The way dem dey, the way dem dey sef be like you

Driver: You think say I be monkey like you?

Passenger: Every work na work, I no dey look down on anybody, even if you be taxi driver, do the right thing, do the right thing so that your conscience would not judge you. If passenger stop you for road, carry, no be say no passenger go stop you and you just stop us and we dey hurry to reach house. You no see passenger you just stop, that one na the right thing be that

Driver: I think, the medicine wey I give you, you confirm am?

Passenger: Wetin? Wetin be that?

Driver: Go deliverance o, I give you medicine for this motor, you no hear am?

Passenger: Which message, which message be that?

Driver: So your wife would not be stingy to you, I don give you message o.

Passenger: You no give me no message

Driver: Tell me, which year your papa die?

Passenger: Ehhh

Driver: Yes or no? no no no no—

Passenger: I no hold am—

Driver: Which year?

Passenger: --- I for open picture now, open picture now show you—

Driver: Of the burial?

Passenger: ---, my people, my people no dey die early

Driver: C'mon shut up your mouth there

Passenger: Both mama and papa side, no dey die early

Driver: Learn to shut up your mouth, make you mouth no dey put you for trouble

Passenger: For where I dey for my right? Na him my mouth go put me for trouble? You think say I go carry zhjip, zhjip my mouth

Driver: You say wetin? Zhjip?

Passenger: Carry zip, I no know wetin you dey talk

Driver: You no see say I want to treat you like the scapegoat that you are?

So this went on for another 3 minutes before we got to our destination, and i was just there sipping my coffee in different shades of people and recording the whole thing. The conclusion to the saga entailed the passenger trying to prove how much of a better man that he was by paying an extra #100 naira for the transport, just to prove a point to the driver. What a rich guy.

Stop Suffering: call the number below.

It just rained and I was very unwilling to going out. My laziness had an excuse; there would be mud patches everywhere due to the bad roads. Plus as a short person high jump keeps me at a disadvantage, I wasn’t in the mood for that. Anyway, I shrugged it off, some other time Bruno Mars, some other time I thought. Today, even if i don't feel like doing anything i must go out to get it. So, in all high spirits, i went out. On stepping out of the gate, a little to my right i saw this.

For those whose phone prevents them from viewing, the picture above is an advertisement of a firm. They  are Consultants on all things spiritual. They offer great services like

• Business success                                                          
• Goodluck
• Protection
• Looking for husband
• Promotion
• Silent Rich

On getting to this part, i was like

silent  rich???? say what??? what does that even mean. Still, i proceeded.

• Do as i say
• Visa approve
• Exam success
• Avoid divorce
• Talent development
• Win court case 
• Physical power to win
• Any type of problems

"any type of problems"? who would be giving who the problem?

• Looking for job
• Ask for your Star
• Power win Lotto
• Power to collect any of your belongings 

And for their most captivating, jaw dropping, eye watering offer............, please i'll advice you to get a chair at this point.

• SPEND AND GET IT BACK

It was as if i didn't see that properly, "spend and get it back".

 I must get to the bottom of this. Curiosity, they said, killed the cat. I bet the cat wouldn't mind being curious, even if it leads to his/her death.

 
So i whipped out my phone, took a couple of pictures, did all the high jumps that was required of me, got what made me leave my room and headed back home. In my room i began to think,

i needed to indulge the spiritual consultants from Timber and Canbar Brotherhood; Canbar instead of Caliber, because who cares about spelling right it's their name and they know what they wanted. I dialed the number on the poster, and the conversation went like this
Spiritual Canbar: Hello
Me: Hi, i saw your poster and i wanted to inquire about a few of your services.
Spiritual Canbar: Where did you see it?
Me: Along rumuosi (which is not where i live).
Spiritual Canbar: How do you want us to help you
ME: I'm looking for a job (i know, of all the juicy offers? i had to choose that one? i did that so as not to arouse his suspicion ).
Spiritual Canbar: Okay, where do you want to work? oil company? or bank? where?
Me: Oil company
Spiritual Canbar: Our office is at Aba ( another state entirely ), its just #500 naira from rumuokoro. Bring Schnapps and #7500 naira when you're coming.
Me:

Spiritual Canbar: Are you there?

Me: yes, yes. Okay, i should bring Schnapps and #7500.

Spiritual Canbar: Yes. Are...........

Me: * hangs up*

It's enough, i've wasted my airtime enough. I can't believe people are desperate enough to fall for such scams. These guys would not be wasting the money they have on printing posters if they did not have a  clientele. I almost fell for one one time, though not as absurd as this, but that's a story for another day.

For The Love Of Greener Pastures.

Disclaimer: I have never left the confines of our beautiful motherland. This is a summary of experiences of people who actually had. This is not a fiction; any resemblance to anyone in real life is probably true.

Its more like culture shock garnished with spices of technological shock and finally topped with structural shock. We just cannot phantom the idea that things are done in an orderly manner. That structures/systems are being built and maintained in a society with no one breathing down on another's neck. “It must be a lie, can people behave in a civilized manner, can people actually behave like this”, is what runs through the minds of many of our brothers and sisters who travel overseas. I came across this once on the internet,

 “The difficulties facing the African Continent aren’t as a result of the pigmentation of their skin, but as a result of their mentality. Put the average white man in a black body, and you’ll still get civilization, technology and progress, to say the least. But when the shoe is worn on the other foot, nothing is changed; you would still have underdevelopment and corruption at large”.

It’s no news that most people who travel to ‘the Abroad’ rarely want to come back, except in mandatory situations like deportation, lol. Please tell me, why should they? Constant power supply, good roads, freedom to express their rights, better standard of living, ample opportunities to succeed amidst other things taken for granted in our country, and we wonder why they are not quick to return.

This is an example of when the roles are reversed, but I thought it would still be worth sharing. Not too long ago, I had a relative who returned from one of ‘the Abroad’ with her four year old kid. She left the country when the boy was a little under a year old; so he never really caught anything Nigerian in his system. On this wonderful day, we went to pick them from the airport, during the drive home he became restless and uncomfortable disturbing his mom at every swerve and stop. The heat was becoming unbearable. And to the Nigerians in the car, this was a cool sunny day. Okay, that’s nature, and there’s nothing we can do about her. Anyway, the story continues; we got home and there was no power supply. Nothing new there na ‘no be today’, in an effort to lessen the boy’s restlessness, as soon as the car drove into the compound and stopped I quickly proceeded to put on the generator. As the generator came on, this little nephew of mine let out a shriek that was so loud, my heart skipped a beat for a second.

 I was so scared I rushed back to the garage to see what happened, only for me to get there and see my relative laughing. She said he was scared by the noise the generator made. For the total of three years add some months he had spent there, he had never heard the sound of a generator.

We haven’t even achieved the feat of a full week of uninterrupted power supply, talk more of 3 years. I still hold the belief that when electricity is supplied constantly, there is no limit to which such society can achieve. While we keep chanting brain drain(which is relative, brain drain for you, brain gain for ), society of ‘The Abroad’ keeps telling its members to strive to keep improving the condition and standard of life of its citizens, to attract skilled and intellectual people from the world over. There’s more to do than planning to produce toothpicks by 2018.

On Transportation, Safety And Flying Doors.

photo credits: Bello Atolagbe

"States get to improve transportation infrastructure; that creates economic development, puts people back to work and, most important, enhances safety and improves local communities."

                     -Corrine Brown

Let’s go back to the quote and highlight this part, “…... most important, enhances safety…..”.  . Safety is thrown out of the door, and in some cases the door follows safety on its way out. Commuting with public transportation, buses to be precise, has to be one risky venture.  Putting to consideration the conditions of these buses, which look like the Nigerian economy. Worst still the drivers, who- no offense to some of them- are supposed to be in a nursing home, retiring. They don’t look like people who could easily maneuver a vehicle out of danger when the time comes. Suffice to say, they lack the physical strength. What leaves me in bewilderment is the excuse that the influence, be it alcohol or otherwise that they are under when they drive, is a source of ‘power’ of sort. I go agape, like sir? How? In developed countries, you could be thrown into jail for this.

In Lagos, it’s the young and reckless that commandeer the buses, although a job well done by  Babatunde Raji Fashola on the transportation front for the provision of BRT buses. While in Port-Harcourt, majority are senior citizens. The other day I was to board a bus to Mile 3 from Choba. I headed to the bus station; the bus that was on the terminal was almost full. Oh, lucky me I thought. I jumped in, and sat on the seat closest to the door besides the driver. Figuring out how to close the door was a hustle, it was tougher than the thermodynamics class I took in my second year in the university. Not for my lack of mechanical comprehension, but for my not being acquainted with such ‘technique-oriented’ machines. I never knew cars required such special skills to close their doors. I digress. Anyway, on getting in, it was a sight to behold,

the state of the car was deplorable, the gears were rusted, the steering wheel was almost missing, even the bus was almost missing, save for the frame work and the engine. The highlight of the transport was when the door fell off along the way. Its no wonder though, when a bus for 14 carries 18 passengers all stacked like sardines.

            Thankfully, no one got hurt. I’m positive that the lady who sat by the door secretly thanked her stars. Considering the fight she almost got into with a man who came after her but didn’t want to sit at the back. That’s the new style, to avoid going in to sit at the back; they linger by the door and wait for all others to enter before they do. Safety first, when you want to do so such, be sure to check the state of the door to be sure it’s not like that of the Nigerian economy.

Share your transportation experiences with us in the comment section.